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As of lately ive been back to that old routine.
The routine that took me months to get out of.
I hate it.
I felt like giving up.
Then i got a text that made me laugh and i thought...fuck yeah.
I miss some people.
A hell of a fucking lot actually.
Lost some people.
Good riddence i say.
I was always second for you. Fucking loser.
If you didnt get what you wanted from someone else i was always going to give you it.
Get back to me with your choice did you? I think not...i always knew what it was going to be. I think that you think i care. Really....im over it. You aint that nice of a person anyway.
My whole body aches at the moment.
Im covered in bruises. Especially my knee as i was decked by a malamute...lol.
I need so much sleep now.
Especially after dealing with drunken calls at 3am.
'put the lotion in the basket'
x
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Saturday, June 24th, 2006
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You are a sell out but you couldnt even do that right.
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I dont know why i write these long entrys in this journal.
They make no sense.
Nobody reads them anyway.
I guess its just a way to get shit off my chest.
Id totally delete this journal but i dont know how too and i think id end up wanting it back after i did.
Im confused by people at the moment.
I just dont get them.
They say one thing and do the other.
I guess i cant hope they miraculasly(sp) change because no one can change.
Tho it isnt impossible.
I do know some people that changed well.....rather dramatically over a few weeks.
Rather fake all in all.
Changing so easily. Such a fake life.
x
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Sometimes ill sit here staring at the screen with my earphones in and ill try and figure out what im doing.
The constant buzz that goes on in my head doesnt stop long enough for me to figure it out.
Either lifes going to fast or not fast enough.
Im still trying to find that happy medium.
The part right in the middle where everything fits. Time, love, happiness and friends.
I wish that it would come.
Lately i dont know whats wrong.
As he said theres the highs and the lows.
More lows than highs.
I didnt want to believe it was true.
But he was right.
The lows make you retract from the world. From people. From life. From existing or wanting to exist.
Now i know what they were doing.
Exactly what ive resorted to now.
I wish that this 'so called' solution worked.
Its supposed to help.
It doesnt.
It just makes me want to curl up and die alone and not have to deal with it.
The buzzing. The feeling of complete loss. The complete anger. The pain. The headaches.The wanting an end.
Now i know why people dont want to associate with me.
I really dont blame them.
Its my fault anyway.
I dont want people close to me.
When they do i find a way to fuck it up.
To find a way to make them stop talking to me.
I dont mean it.
It just happens.
Its an unconscious safety mechanism.
The security of the distance.
The security of knowing that i dont need to deal with the worse case scenarios.
Theres people in my life that i dont do this too.
I dont know why.
I guess they got used to my bullshit and just wouldnt let go.
I love that they didnt let go.
Dont expect me to be a good friend.
Im the best i can be. Even if that is being a complete fucker.
Dont expect me to change.
I wish i could. I wish i could be the best friend i could be. But i cant.
Know i dont like some people getting too close.
It just increases my fear of having to deal with a heartbreak or loss.
I learned as a child that as soon as you let people become one of your best friends or a really close friend something bads bound to happen.
Something that changes it all.
Death. Fights. Arguments.
I never like those. I still dont.
I never want to feel the pain that i did back then.
So i distance myself from most of the people who get close enough.
I doubt this makes much sense to anyone.
My ramblings at this time of night make no sense.
I just need it out.
But im not really for complete honesty,to spill my guts and let it all out.
Its just a long gone day.
x < / 3
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Self imprisonment
I suppose somewhere inside me I yearn for freedom from that which holds me stagnant.
Over exageration turns underestimated emotion....
Emotion.
Why the urgency to hide and slow the flow of that which could and perhaps will, improve and heal the burning inside.
I am protecting my pain.
It is mine.
And i so badly want to keep my pain to myself.
But, in doing so i am hurting so many who cross, or care for me.
Aching for love and acceptance.
Only to throw it down in the latter of love shared love.
Yet anger and guilt not shared between me and you.
You've blamed for all that is a mystery within myself- Burning.
Oh i pray that i might someday throw a blanket over that angry child.
If the strength is found within the core of my being.
His tears soak my heart and weight it down.
I am tired,I am numb, and i am so very, very lonely.
I am.........
------------------------------------------
See you all from time to time
Isn't it so strange
How far away we all are now
Am I the only one who remembers that summer
Oh, I remember
Everyday each time the place was saved
The music that we made
The wind has carried all of that away
Long gone day
Mmmm, who ever said
We wash away with the rain
----------------------------------------------------
All this makes me want it again.
I needa stop listening to this stuff.
It seriously insane.
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Ive suffered so long to beat the one thing i had.
The one thing i didnt want to have.
The one thing i wanted to get rid of so much.
Getting it to go away would make everything soooo much better.
But i realised it proberley wont ever totally go away.
Ill always have it.
Itll always randomly come back to haunt me.
I have the scars to haunt me every day.
I am a hell of a lot better than i ever was.
Im slightly more confident than i ever was.
Maybe slightly more idiotic that i used to be but im happy.
Everything does get better.
Theres some things in life that will always fuck things up.
People in your life that will fuck you over and fuck it up.
They proberly aint worth it.
Never will be.
As ive said sooo many times lately dont take friendship personal [not all i must say]
Live the way you wanna live.
Fuck it up the way you wanna fuck it up.
Say what you wanna say.
Do what you wanna do.
Listen to what you want to listen to.
Even when you feel like theres nobody there for you.
Nobody to catch you when you fall.
Nobody to listen to you when you want to rant.
There always is.
Theres always that one person who no matter what, will listen to you and tell you everything will get better.
Its true. It does get better.
Theres the friends/stranged/aquaintences in your life that will make you laugh and make you feel better.
Just remember those people and thank them for it.
One day they may just need you in the same way.
I guess what im trying to say is:
Fuck the haters.
Fuck the fakes.
Fuck the liers.
Fuck all the people who act so hard to fit in.
Fuck the people who should care but dont.
And:
Love the fuck ups in life.
Love the people who have stuck around.
Love the laughs.
Love each day.
Peace Love Bitches and Hoes <3
x
[Sho, Keith, Caron, Nik, Gogz, J, Yenni, Bri <3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3]
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Over the last few months ive been seriously pissed about anything and everything.
I missed out on some of the most amazing things.
I missed alot of people.
I lost alot of people.
I took so many pills i dare to remember how many exactly.
I done some of the most fucked up things.
I witnessed some of the most fucked up things.
I realised ALOT of people around are fake.
I realised its soooooo easy to be forgotten.
I realised that you shouldnt take some friendships personal.
I should or could be totally gutted about most things.
But ive realise that theres no point.
Theres still somethings that i just cant handle but ill learn to.
Ive sorta realised that some things just need to be.
Forgive and forget.
Sooner or later you realise that it all comes back around to bite you in the ass.
Ive spent a night out with bert and it was one of the most amazing nights out ever. I met some of the coolest people. Chatted to some old friends.
I spent a few hangout days with shiona and they were amazing. Shes just awsome. <3.
Met some old friends. Got in touch with them. Had a laugh. Amazing things.
Sometimes you realise you have fucked up.
Apologies dont always fix things.
Neither does begging.
I dont miss those days as much as i thought.
One day this might blow up.
KA[fucking]BLOOOMMM
And we all might laugh.
Peace out.
Masquerade masks-cocktails-punch
x
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As much as i like this journal i cant have it anymore.
So i have made a new journal.
If you want added to it leave a wee comment.
kiss_kiss_baby
Add me anyway.
xx
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Sunday, February 26th, 2006
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AHHHHHH
Footloose!! edinburgh playhouse!!
6th-11th of march!!
Anyone? ahhh PLEASE???????
x
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Tuesday, December 27th, 2005
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Was goin to have a party on new year. But since everyone else is doing other things and nobody is going to come. I am proberly gonna cancel it and spend it in bed.
So much fun.
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Sunday, December 11th, 2005
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Answer me this!
who prankys someone at 12:10?
fucking no1 do it later dumbshit...if you wake the person up it gives some effect!
arse!
x
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Saturday, December 10th, 2005
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Friday, December 9th, 2005
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Its 2pm and im ready to go back to bed that is because i still havent showered or anything....im dead i tell you....dead
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Monday, December 5th, 2005
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Open iTunes or Windows Media Player to answer the following. Go to your library.
How many songs?
30
Sort by song title:
First - Aint no sunshine-Van morrison
Last - When a man loves a woman-michael bolton
Sort by time:
First - Aint no sunshine-Van morrison.
Last - total eclipse of the heart-bonnie tyler.
Sort by album:
First - lets hear it for the boys-denise williams
Last - Wake me up before you go-go-wham
Top Five Most Played Songs:
1. stand by me-b e king
2. everything i do-bryan adams
3. footloose-kenny loggins
4. how am i supposed to live without you-michael bolton
5. when a man loves a woman-michael bolton
Comes up on Shuffle:
GPX-JW
Find “sex.” How many songs come up?
one
Find “death.” How many songs come up?
none
Find “love.” How many songs come up?
4
[all my music is on my ipod...not my library]
Im an 80 freak:)
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Thursday, December 1st, 2005
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Ok....i really am gonna be a gran!
haha
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Friday, November 25th, 2005
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| Time: | 2:07 am. |
| Mood: |  bitchy. |
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Ever wanna just spill all your feelings and why you have been such a dick but theres no1 there to tell....and the people that are there you dont wanna fucking tell.
The friends you trust and care about most just dont fucking care.
Sad to think all along we have had the wrong friends. Choosing the wrong friends...doesnt really seem like such a bad thing till you get to a moment like this and having the RIGHT friend there wouldnt be the worse thing in the world.Actually...it would proberly cure whats wrong in the first place.
Maybe having pleurisy/chest infection whatever has made me a complete dick but know what....its proberly the best thing. Ive been fucking bored in my house with nobody to talk to for 5 days nearly its gave me time to think. My only means of communication with half the people is msn and at that its baws coz no1 fucking talks. Its soooooo impersonal and emotionless. Just to have at least what....one mate come see me see how im feeling hang out for even 10 minutes at the most wouldnt have killed any of you. Would have been kinda nice to know that someone actually fucking cares.
Good to know i was right all along.
Know whats mad....the only person i have had a decent conversation with over the last week has been the one person who didnt even need to talk to me and yet they still managed to take time to chat with me about old skool techno dancing, how gay emo fringe extensions are, weird pictures of people as kids, old childrens programmes and touring. All this and some strange MC hammer singing and dancing and slagging matches! <3 ye ya bint!
so...aye.
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Saturday, November 19th, 2005
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how the fuck did i get to the point again that im so stressed out i cant fucking sleep?
AHHHHHHHHH FFS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Wednesday, November 9th, 2005
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Scottish people wear kilts so the sheep dont hear the zip- told by anon canadian person!
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Wednesday, November 2nd, 2005
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Man 2night was awsome!
We were sposed to be goin to the pics. got there a bit late because it took forever for mal and that to get to mines. went got munch at the garage. down to the showcase...was shut LMAO. So we went to the bowling in ggow, was shutting in like 45 mins there was no point. so we decided ahh we shall try the UGC..... no luck that was shut anol so we ended up in Rufus ts had a few drinks...nicked shot glasses now my whole bag smells like apple sours haha. So ended up the pub was shutting early so we walked across the road to the car and went to mals house and watched young frankenstein. Ahh man thats some funny shit. we had a good we laugh. Awsome i wanna do it again. I just loved goin out....even if it ended up with me hanging out with 3 guys (mal beck and ross).
Needa go to mals sometime soon. His room is like chill out central! offt aye. Plus i wanna see the end of that film. Just got home like... emmm what 30mins ago its nearly 3am...offt yaus im shattered.
( State ae me! )
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Sunday, October 23rd, 2005
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Im Fed up being nice. It gets you fucking nothing.
fuck apologising for the shit you have ever done wrong.
Its not gonna make a fucking difference.
No one ever accepts apologies. Not even fucking tears.
In other words
Be a cold heartless bastard. It works better and its less hurtfull in the long run coz you dont have friends.
No one likes the cold hearted bastard.....but atleast they expect the fuck ups and nastyness that just seems to happen and you dont need to apologise.
*since i would say i didnt have many friends that saves me on alot of apologys*
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